3.28.2010
3.27.2010
la chanson du passé
I hate such cliche, however, I just cannot let go.
Today I overslept and missed my stop. Gratefully I wake up when the bus just passed the expressway. As I got off with the still sleepy mind, the same old scene just came and struck me. That view used to be my everday scenery when junior high. The greenfield site just so wide; beside the viaduct, nothing would block your sight, so that you could look though the area, and all the apartment buildings were far away in the foothill. This way you could esaily get the view of the vaulted sky. There was where you can find the boundlessness of the reachable part of world and tast the feeling surronding by the huge sky. (And so did the wind. It seemed that an open area always have the comfy wind) It just so transparent and clear and lonely and securing. Like a gentle cut on the tenderest part of your heart.
It almost broke me down. As it always do.
However I cannot get it why people can take such things as this so easy. I have to forbid myself from taking some particular thoughs and emotion, or it would lead to a sequela which I am afraid I wouldn't be able to handle. Maybe I was wrong , maybe the very one I meet also deals with these problems; nevertheless, I stay on my own, cannot get a little cule how people make it work. All the ones I tired to ask for didn't get my point. They didn' t wait for me to tell the whole story and just said that I am lucky to have a happy time in my young teens, and yeah, your friends are fuuny. I mean, yes I know I am lucky thank you, but no one would talk about their friends as the lovely roles in a dramatic memory. (They should know, shouldn't they?) I were trying to discribe the whole situation. Every single part is important. I were not just telling a story; that was my life. Once. No one would talk their precious memory just to make a joke. All the days I gone though are the stuff of me. No one would take a part of his own just to entertain his classmate.
They've proven they do have the sense of these little, funny, delicate, vulnerable section of mind, but still we cannot overcome the misunderstanding. The communicational problem between us determine the though that I should not try to find a way to escape, I should try to find a way to live with them.
I am too afraid to let go but I also too coward to face them.
I think I may deal with this problem the rest of my life. People can meet again, places can wait for your next visit, but time just goes by. You can hold everthing you want to hold, but you can't stop time changing everthing. The exactly same won't happen again and nothing ever endure.
Today I overslept and missed my stop. Gratefully I wake up when the bus just passed the expressway. As I got off with the still sleepy mind, the same old scene just came and struck me. That view used to be my everday scenery when junior high. The greenfield site just so wide; beside the viaduct, nothing would block your sight, so that you could look though the area, and all the apartment buildings were far away in the foothill. This way you could esaily get the view of the vaulted sky. There was where you can find the boundlessness of the reachable part of world and tast the feeling surronding by the huge sky. (And so did the wind. It seemed that an open area always have the comfy wind) It just so transparent and clear and lonely and securing. Like a gentle cut on the tenderest part of your heart.
It almost broke me down. As it always do.
However I cannot get it why people can take such things as this so easy. I have to forbid myself from taking some particular thoughs and emotion, or it would lead to a sequela which I am afraid I wouldn't be able to handle. Maybe I was wrong , maybe the very one I meet also deals with these problems; nevertheless, I stay on my own, cannot get a little cule how people make it work. All the ones I tired to ask for didn't get my point. They didn' t wait for me to tell the whole story and just said that I am lucky to have a happy time in my young teens, and yeah, your friends are fuuny. I mean, yes I know I am lucky thank you, but no one would talk about their friends as the lovely roles in a dramatic memory. (They should know, shouldn't they?) I were trying to discribe the whole situation. Every single part is important. I were not just telling a story; that was my life. Once. No one would talk their precious memory just to make a joke. All the days I gone though are the stuff of me. No one would take a part of his own just to entertain his classmate.
They've proven they do have the sense of these little, funny, delicate, vulnerable section of mind, but still we cannot overcome the misunderstanding. The communicational problem between us determine the though that I should not try to find a way to escape, I should try to find a way to live with them.
I am too afraid to let go but I also too coward to face them.
I think I may deal with this problem the rest of my life. People can meet again, places can wait for your next visit, but time just goes by. You can hold everthing you want to hold, but you can't stop time changing everthing. The exactly same won't happen again and nothing ever endure.
3.24.2010
看到數學考卷就覺得自己是人生的輸家。
題記：看到臨也我就覺得連非人生的部分我都輸了。(?)
最近的狀況真的是好的不得了。大腿根部在非常尷尬的地方受傷了，所以就算明天轉涼我也還是會穿裙子上學，走路變成一件非常煉獄的事情；拖了要兩年的那顆牙齒終於神經壞死讓我疼到打算寫同人配布裡的"惱人的牙疼"向世界闡述這標題不僅不日常不少女也不歡樂，不過沒有想寫的人所以作罷(可見我的恨不夠深)；段考；折原跟紀田輪班佔領我的筆記本空白頁面，我一邊把上課在廢紙上的塗鴉黏到本子上時一邊想我真的是瘋了瘋了瘋了。(嚴格說來我一點都不認真──可是情緒非常的時候表現也會非常一點。我希望段考完我可以敲定他們。)
看到數學，我真的第一次覺得我真的是人生的輸家。
憑良心講，誰想當輸家。
最近的狀況真的是好的不得了。大腿根部在非常尷尬的地方受傷了，所以就算明天轉涼我也還是會穿裙子上學，走路變成一件非常煉獄的事情；拖了要兩年的那顆牙齒終於神經壞死讓我疼到打算寫同人配布裡的"惱人的牙疼"向世界闡述這標題不僅不日常不少女也不歡樂，不過沒有想寫的人所以作罷(可見我的恨不夠深)；段考；折原跟紀田輪班佔領我的筆記本空白頁面，我一邊把上課在廢紙上的塗鴉黏到本子上時一邊想我真的是瘋了瘋了瘋了。(嚴格說來我一點都不認真──可是情緒非常的時候表現也會非常一點。我希望段考完我可以敲定他們。)
看到數學，我真的第一次覺得我真的是人生的輸家。
憑良心講，誰想當輸家。
3.22.2010
說來說去就是想撒嬌而已
我抱著殊死的決心告訴他們這真的犀利的太過分、可以不要這麼真相好嗎。不知道是我婉曲了還是怎麼著，他們都沒聽明白我因為自己那麼容易被割傷在埋怨明眼人看到世界太銳利，都只是笑笑著說我很有趣。我當下多想呼他們巴掌呀啊啊，再加上一句定番的「你這白癡!!!!!」。
3.20.2010
人到一個年紀就會想跟風
但訂地考慮一下，決定用這句開頭：雖然我最喜歡紀田正臣但其實我大家都很有愛喔☆
總體而言:
新羅塞爾提未免也太可愛www/正臣君你....你很好喔(意味不明)/臨也去死☆/小靜超萌、超治癒，跟塞爾提應該算池袋最萌二人組(咦)/我跟小靜一起弟控/平和島兄弟未免也太萌/不管是弟控還是頭顱控都很佳/帝人很威很好....etc
因為到處都在劇透，這根本就是逼人去看小說嘛，所以我就把中譯的三集都看完了。原本以為會嗚咿哎呀的第三集也沒甚麼，果然我還是不太受用輕小說那套筆調。不過總覺得這種調子也算輕小說的好處。另外小說跟動畫的呈現果然各有千秋，舉例，聲光效果十足的紀田君實在是有夠三八，可是在小說能比動畫更加囉嗦扯淡話嘮兼冷笑話王的紀田君也超可愛。小靜的話我想說動畫有比較萌，可是小說的小靜還直接殺到臨也家去逮人這也超可愛的。不過幽就不知道動畫是在賣甚麼萌了(雖然我十分受用)。新羅跟塞爾提則是各種媒介都閃力十足。
臨也先生倒是奇妙的有種差距感。簡單說起來，動畫的臨也只會讓我想說「去死吧☆」而且還會覺得他暗戀小靜；不過小說的臨也倒是真的讓我認為他討厭小靜，而且某種分寸和理性感的存在微妙的平衡了變態和惡趣味的部分。雖然看到一堆「☆」還是很想巴他。噢對了雖然我知道一眼望過去就相當瞭然臨也和小靜會紅，可是我看動畫臨也暗戀小靜(咦)怎麼也萌不起來，倒是小說他們真心互相討厭之後就明白他們有看點了(詭異)，不過抱歉這還是萌不起來耶謝謝。另外就是，小說的帝人吐槽起來感覺更加帥氣噎，大概是有夠多篇幅(?)，不過dollars集合那幕用動畫看果真帥上一層樓。奇妙的是矢霧底迪在小說中看起來比較不電波。
小說中的臨也有事沒事就散發一種常人感，所以反而感覺起來更扭曲。帝人也是。雖然我個人淺見是帥得一踏糊塗。他們淡定的聊天更是帥到不行。不過二三集都是，帝人同學都像在自我出神直到尾聲的部分耶。
一不小心就扯淡太多。跟風的好處就是有很多人陪你一起瘋，這種時候有沒有真愛就一點也不重要啦☆另外我真的最喜歡正臣(幹嘛澄清)
總體而言:
新羅塞爾提未免也太可愛www/正臣君你....你很好喔(意味不明)/臨也去死☆/小靜超萌、超治癒，跟塞爾提應該算池袋最萌二人組(咦)/我跟小靜一起弟控/平和島兄弟未免也太萌/不管是弟控還是頭顱控都很佳/帝人很威很好....etc
因為到處都在劇透，這根本就是逼人去看小說嘛，所以我就把中譯的三集都看完了。原本以為會嗚咿哎呀的第三集也沒甚麼，果然我還是不太受用輕小說那套筆調。不過總覺得這種調子也算輕小說的好處。另外小說跟動畫的呈現果然各有千秋，舉例，聲光效果十足的紀田君實在是有夠三八，可是在小說能比動畫更加囉嗦扯淡話嘮兼冷笑話王的紀田君也超可愛。小靜的話我想說動畫有比較萌，可是小說的小靜還直接殺到臨也家去逮人這也超可愛的。不過幽就不知道動畫是在賣甚麼萌了(雖然我十分受用)。新羅跟塞爾提則是各種媒介都閃力十足。
臨也先生倒是奇妙的有種差距感。簡單說起來，動畫的臨也只會讓我想說「去死吧☆」而且還會覺得他暗戀小靜；不過小說的臨也倒是真的讓我認為他討厭小靜，而且某種分寸和理性感的存在微妙的平衡了變態和惡趣味的部分。雖然看到一堆「☆」還是很想巴他。噢對了雖然我知道一眼望過去就相當瞭然臨也和小靜會紅，可是我看動畫臨也暗戀小靜(咦)怎麼也萌不起來，倒是小說他們真心互相討厭之後就明白他們有看點了(詭異)，不過抱歉這還是萌不起來耶謝謝。另外就是，小說的帝人吐槽起來感覺更加帥氣噎，大概是有夠多篇幅(?)，不過dollars集合那幕用動畫看果真帥上一層樓。奇妙的是矢霧底迪在小說中看起來比較不電波。
小說中的臨也有事沒事就散發一種常人感，所以反而感覺起來更扭曲。帝人也是。雖然我個人淺見是帥得一踏糊塗。他們淡定的聊天更是帥到不行。不過二三集都是，帝人同學都像在自我出神直到尾聲的部分耶。
一不小心就扯淡太多。跟風的好處就是有很多人陪你一起瘋，這種時候有沒有真愛就一點也不重要啦☆另外我真的最喜歡正臣(幹嘛澄清)
3.16.2010
亂分段
流水帳有其迷人之處，那會好像那個人真的很努力投入的在過他的生活。而我就需要這種催眠。
今天陪瓶絡(音譯)到擊劍社的社辦翻箱倒櫃找麥克筆，後來她交出一張上面只寫了「這是校慶海報」的校慶海報。我認為我應該覺得這件事情萬分喜感才對，卻莫名只是笑笑而已，有時候真的很好其我一頭熱的那種腦洞感都去哪了。算了，這是流水帳，不細究說了就會難過到嘔吐的事。我在好多堂課不是打瞌睡就是塗鴉。數學課因為完全忘了數學作業這回事，所以完全沒辦法檢討。很顯然大家都忘了，一定是因為沒抄在黑板上的緣故，總之一題都沒檢討就結束了第一本講義的習題。
──我現在懷疑天天都流水帳下去，這句肯定會定番了：今天依舊沒寫完數學作業
每天回家就硬是要開電腦，雖然沒有想做甚麼，但是瞎逛沒事找事也高興。一直到洗完澡想睡來才想起來半件事情都沒作。我一直在想這倒底是甚麼意思，我潛意識在逃避現實還是我已經自我廢棄了。
從某一年起，自律和規律變成某種不被要求而且普遍不被採用的事情之後，我突然變得很難好好過生活。所以我需要很多外物鼓勵，或者限制，否則我永遠不確定自己當下該做甚麼。
真是沒用透了。
流水帳敘事失敗。今天下載了男聲版的CHERRY，YUI的歌常常被拿去配正臣，都很好聽。我在想是否要去看小說。
欲購單:《餡餅的秘密》《墓園裡的男孩》《好預兆》《五歲時，我殺了自己》
《管子的異想世界》也犀利斃了。
可不可以不要這麼絕好嗎
我不知道活在自己的世界正確綜觀來說好或不好，可是我發現不這麼作很多簡單的東西都會頓時變得難以承受。他們老是說面對這個世界有很多方式，那也算方式之一吧。
今天陪瓶絡(音譯)到擊劍社的社辦翻箱倒櫃找麥克筆，後來她交出一張上面只寫了「這是校慶海報」的校慶海報。我認為我應該覺得這件事情萬分喜感才對，卻莫名只是笑笑而已，有時候真的很好其我一頭熱的那種腦洞感都去哪了。算了，這是流水帳，不細究說了就會難過到嘔吐的事。我在好多堂課不是打瞌睡就是塗鴉。數學課因為完全忘了數學作業這回事，所以完全沒辦法檢討。很顯然大家都忘了，一定是因為沒抄在黑板上的緣故，總之一題都沒檢討就結束了第一本講義的習題。
──我現在懷疑天天都流水帳下去，這句肯定會定番了：今天依舊沒寫完數學作業
每天回家就硬是要開電腦，雖然沒有想做甚麼，但是瞎逛沒事找事也高興。一直到洗完澡想睡來才想起來半件事情都沒作。我一直在想這倒底是甚麼意思，我潛意識在逃避現實還是我已經自我廢棄了。
從某一年起，自律和規律變成某種不被要求而且普遍不被採用的事情之後，我突然變得很難好好過生活。所以我需要很多外物鼓勵，或者限制，否則我永遠不確定自己當下該做甚麼。
真是沒用透了。
流水帳敘事失敗。今天下載了男聲版的CHERRY，YUI的歌常常被拿去配正臣，都很好聽。我在想是否要去看小說。
欲購單:《餡餅的秘密》《墓園裡的男孩》《好預兆》《五歲時，我殺了自己》
《管子的異想世界》也犀利斃了。
可不可以不要這麼絕好嗎
我不知道活在自己的世界正確綜觀來說好或不好，可是我發現不這麼作很多簡單的東西都會頓時變得難以承受。他們老是說面對這個世界有很多方式，那也算方式之一吧。
3.14.2010
擇日不如撞日。
長期：作息正常/考前念書/上課/記得報告/英文課自修/增加運動時間(目前基本只有體育課的保障時段)/小論文+小比賽/小說(讀與寫)
安排地理與歷史報告時間/讀完唐代文學史/不要把學術性質的閒書和故事性質的閒書分開計算/
油畫甚麼的野望等考上大學再說。
先處理其他野望。
安排地理與歷史報告時間/讀完唐代文學史/不要把學術性質的閒書和故事性質的閒書分開計算/
油畫甚麼的野望等考上大學再說。
先處理其他野望。
3.08.2010
3.06.2010
bye bye, black bird
濫情就是看到"The Age of Innocence"的書名就不可名狀的難過。
標題就是當你有崇拜的人就會情不自禁的模仿。
(我們都愛強尼戴普。只要有人說藝術片深奧，我就會淡定的表示我不喜歡藝術片。我不知道我幹嘛不一臉直接地說那哪有深奧。亟待改進。)
標題就是當你有崇拜的人就會情不自禁的模仿。
(我們都愛強尼戴普。只要有人說藝術片深奧，我就會淡定的表示我不喜歡藝術片。我不知道我幹嘛不一臉直接地說那哪有深奧。亟待改進。)
3.05.2010
補之補。
我到底在愚蠢甚麼，這麼努力只想打上一聲招呼。
我有自覺這些都是不該說的事，但是我也不指望誰會看見。我必須積極地重新開始，看到他就像照出我缺失的那些部分。見面真是痛苦。而且無端地又常見面起來。
(但我猜不見面之後我又期待可以見面。)
我有自覺這些都是不該說的事，但是我也不指望誰會看見。我必須積極地重新開始，看到他就像照出我缺失的那些部分。見面真是痛苦。而且無端地又常見面起來。
(但我猜不見面之後我又期待可以見面。)
3.04.2010
that fox and that boy
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."
The Little Prince, Chap.21
memo
1/
安潔莉卡夫人與幽靈
The Kirklands
伊莉莎白的長在(The Reign of Elizabeth I)/The Golden Days
Another Happy World
Million pieces of small moment
純白年代(The Innocent Days)
2/
美國獨立戰爭
炮火中的文化──文化和第二次世界大戰
伊莉莎白女王時代的英國
二十世紀的英國
香港
3/
內心住著獅子的女孩
伊莉莎白一世傳記
俄國史概論
4/
段考3/29-30
二戰-第十週
西亞與南亞文化在台灣-四月最後一個禮拜
5/
天韻獎
校慶
p.s.我的連結裡十個裡頭有五個關於他，我第一次喜歡人喜歡的感覺這麼辛苦。
安潔莉卡夫人與幽靈
The Kirklands
伊莉莎白的長在(The Reign of Elizabeth I)/
Another Happy World
Million pieces of small moment
純白年代(The Innocent Days)
2/
美國獨立戰爭
炮火中的文化──文化和第二次世界大戰
伊莉莎白女王時代的英國
二十世紀的英國
香港
3/
內心住著獅子的女孩
伊莉莎白一世傳記
俄國史概論
4/
段考3/29-30
二戰-第十週
西亞與南亞文化在台灣-四月最後一個禮拜
5/
天韻獎
校慶
p.s.我的連結裡十個裡頭有五個關於他，我第一次喜歡人喜歡的感覺這麼辛苦。
3.03.2010
關於一個人，補。
我剛才討死地去找，其實這一點都不費力，網路的發達肯定從來沒有考慮過我一個愚蠢未成年人竟然真的會為此在數據機的顯示器前哭泣。
句句屬實。
但是我無法給解釋。
忍不住，我再補充：一定有部分原因是因為他太溫柔了。真的。
句句屬實。
但是我無法給解釋。
忍不住，我再補充：一定有部分原因是因為他太溫柔了。真的。
節錄，我已經很長一段的時間對自己的文字感到麻木。
我曾經摔碎過杯子，也徒手撿過碎片。他們比我心中的聲音都鈍了太多，總覺得要更尖銳才能比擬作痛，但我畢竟也不會常打碎東西，經常會忘記這件事情。所以每當我又打破了甚麼的時候，總覺得有股模糊的距離感，好像突然間某個部份不真實了起來。
12:50, Feb 22
12:50, Feb 22
關於一個人。
我要虛張聲勢一下，沒有人知道他是誰。
我不知道最難過的部分是不是我並不是他生命的一部份。但是我也絕對不會輕易讓誰成為我生命的一部份，所以我懷疑我是不是真的想當他生命的一部份。
我承認我嫉妒。
另外一種可能是，我可以看著電腦螢幕覺得激動似曾相識胸悶哭泣的衝動，擁抱著枕頭等待澎湃的感情再度退潮，但是我不能忍受看到他的人在我面前走過，知道我自行領悟了那個人的某些情感也知道他全然不知道我擁有的想法。
有時候我覺得認不認識根本就不重要，他永遠都不缺我，我也不可能就差他一個。(天底下哪有這麼浪漫的事情。)但是我看到他就是會緊張，回想起來就是會難過。
說得像甚麼似的，但我確定我根本不存在他的大腦皮層裡吧，頂多是大腦枕葉的視覺區會短暫成像罷了。其實我也不太想起他。
但是今天看到了他關於「信心」的發言，我又難過地鼓譟起來，好像非得說些甚麼才不會這麼難受。我不能解釋為什麼我可以說他不重要不感到違心但卻又會這麼難過。
表面上我永遠都像受驚的雛鳥。(蠢斃了。)
我猜我的信心其實一直都是破碎的。
我不知道最難過的部分是不是我並不是他生命的一部份。但是我也絕對不會輕易讓誰成為我生命的一部份，所以我懷疑我是不是真的想當他生命的一部份。
我承認我嫉妒。
另外一種可能是，我可以看著電腦螢幕覺得激動似曾相識胸悶哭泣的衝動，擁抱著枕頭等待澎湃的感情再度退潮，但是我不能忍受看到他的人在我面前走過，知道我自行領悟了那個人的某些情感也知道他全然不知道我擁有的想法。
有時候我覺得認不認識根本就不重要，他永遠都不缺我，我也不可能就差他一個。(天底下哪有這麼浪漫的事情。)但是我看到他就是會緊張，回想起來就是會難過。
說得像甚麼似的，但我確定我根本不存在他的大腦皮層裡吧，頂多是大腦枕葉的視覺區會短暫成像罷了。其實我也不太想起他。
但是今天看到了他關於「信心」的發言，我又難過地鼓譟起來，好像非得說些甚麼才不會這麼難受。我不能解釋為什麼我可以說他不重要不感到違心但卻又會這麼難過。
表面上我永遠都像受驚的雛鳥。(蠢斃了。)
我猜我的信心其實一直都是破碎的。
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